I have been choosing into small roles my entire life when I know damn well I am capable of more. I am just too afraid to say it and to try. I keep picking things I know I can flow into easily, problems I can see and solve with very little effort, and then become bored with them almost right away. I cannot (edit: will not) keep doing this.

I can feel *something* up up up there. But it’s like something unseen- I feel it – but what the fuck is it? I know me keeping myself in small spaces (although safe cozy and warm) is partially why I cannot see the thing up there – busying myself with little things that require only my low battery mode on a creative level so I can pretend whatever it is doesn’t exist – busy work. 

I also know that I’ll only see it when it’s arrived and I then have to be IN IT or NOT IN IT – which is scary as fuck. I don’t get to stand back, exam, measure, hire a home inspector, ask other people, make a plan, and THEN decide. I just will have to *decide* right then and then I’ll have to succeed or fail on the guts of just me.

If I fail what does it mean about me? Will I be elevated enough to relate to me failing as part of my progressive growth OR will I let it fuck me all the way up and then spend the rest of my life fighting the urge to walk into traffic or guzzle Lysol. Because for me, I can make the misery of that last me the rest of actual life, THAT is how committed I can be to my own bullshit 

Do I already know what it is and I’m too scared to open my eyes to see it because then I have to start?………………………………………………………….

Ah fuck, probably 

Anyways happy Friday and I miss alcohol so much today.


Monie Thots

Spiraling Edition