This week I had the opportunity to deliver a talk to a group of about 100 women (primarily REALTORS) at an event titled Power Women in Real Estate. I decided to share five things that have greatly impacted me – helped me not only move towards my business goals, make a lot of money, but most importantly helped me become a happier, more well-balanced person.
A Little Background…
About 4 years ago, right around the birth of my first child. I felt broken. I had just closed a business that I owned for 6 years that completely consumed my life and bled me dry, I had gone through multiple miscarriages which led us to IVF, was on the verge of bankruptcy and had to sell my dream home in order to prevent foreclosure. I felt incredibly unhappy, lost – but no one would have known it. Never the type to reach out for help and raised to sweep problems under rugs, the only thing that was going well for me was real estate, I could sell my ass off and that was really the only way we kept afloat. So I found myself obsessed with grinding, thinking that if I could just make enough money and really get good at selling real estate, I would be happy again.
The lie detector determined THAT WAS A LIE.
I couldn’t outwork this problem, business wasn’t the issue, who I was, was. I had to make some shifts in me if I wanted to see shifts in my life. Here are five shifts that helped me get un-broken.
- Take YOU Seriously– My most important “job” daily is me. This is non negotiable. Every day I have dedicated time to take care of three things that encompass my health – mental health, spiritual health, and physical health. This isn’t groundbreaking, we have all heard this before, I know I had. And to be honest it felt a little w00-w000 to me. “Self care” felt cliched, meditation or even sitting quietly made my butt itch – I was a driver, feet hit the floor and the devil says “oh crap she’s up” kinda woman. But knowing that whatever I was doing in my life wasn’t working was enough motivation for me to have an open mind. I am so glad I did. Over the last four years with dedicated time to study ME, take care of ME, and grow ME, I learned that my constant drive was a defense against self examination. I was afraid to get to know me… I think many of us are, especially those of us that identify with perfectionism. There is magic in a methodical daily commitment to yourself. The consistency builds character for one and what you come away with is a new nugget about you. Realizing how much I missed creativity, how much I am not actually a type A driver but was being that way out of fear and desperation, and having time to picture who my future self is and bring her into the present – now that IS groundbreaking stuff.
- Ready is a Choice– I used to have to feel ready before I would move forward with any of my goals. Anytime I saw someone out doing big things, I decided in my head that they had all the answers, a documented plan, experience, etc… they were “ready” to do it and then started. The universe is funny though. Through selling houses I met clients who ran businesses, pursued their goals and in conversations with them I realized – oh my god they are mortals just like me. They didn’t have all the answers at all… they had an idea of the direction they wanted to go and for them that was enough to take a first, second, third step. They trusted themselves to know what to do as they went. While I was looking for sheet music, they were playing by ear. One day I heard the phrase, TRUST YOUR FUTURE SELF TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU GET THERE. It’s become one of my mantras. The truth is, you don’t have unlimited time. Every moment you spend doubting yourself and not taking action is a moment you’ll never get back. And action answers a lot of questions.
- Behave as Your Future Self– Your life today is based on who you are today. If you want a different life you have to become a different version of you. But how the frick do you become someone different than you? What has helped me immensely is using modeling as a way to try on the energies and vibrations of people I admire the most or who are going in the direction I want to be going. It’s not about doing an impersonation of someone else – this would be inauthentic (yuck and unnecessary) and unsustainable. If you cannot sustain it, you’ll get no real results. Instead it’s more about finding one or two people who really resonate with you at your core… then not so much focusing on what they DO as much as how they are BEING. What’s the vibe, the energy they exude. Maybe they are incredibly calm in the face of adversity, maybe they make everyone around them feel important and heard. Whatever it is. Now you’re going to PAY ATTENTION to how you’re being throughout your day and find opportunities to apply that same vibe to your life’s situations. Start in easy moments, can you stop and thank your partner for doing something they always do but you never express gratitude for? Easy moments are where you get to practice because it’s in difficult moments your autopilot will want to kick in. Then when a transaction gets totally jacked up and you typically panic or lose your temper, you’ll know how to tap into that different energy, be able to feel after that elevated personality and ask it to step forward and be the prevailing way of being. Now stitch these moments together more and more and they’ll start to make themselves at home. A part of you, the new elevated you. You’ve now called your future self forward into the present moment – they were there all along afterall.
- It’s Your Fault, Thank God – ok fault is definitely not the right word here but I needed some clickbait. We’ve all likely heard – Things don’t happen TO ME, they happen FOR ME. When I accepted this as true I started to play a game seeking my contribution to everything that happened FOR me in my life. In other words, how did I help create this outcome? What’s my responsibility in this entire thing? Doing this took me from being a victim to being empowered and increased my confidence immensely. No matter if I liked the outcome or not, if I felt someone acted shitty, or if it was a better outcome than I imagined – finding all the ways I contributed has elevated my game. Now here’s the key with this – super important. Do not tie your worth to this examination. Great outcome doesn’t mean you’re a great person, horrible outcome doesn’t mean you’re a horrible person. Uncouple this. Instead take it as data, feedback. If you don’t you’ll be on an emotional rollercoaster based on the premise that your self worth is your production and it simply isn’t. The power here is realizing that you do have influence, a lot of it. And the more aware you become of how your influence impacts the outcomes you experience, the better you’ll become at influencing towards the direction of your goals.
- Motherhood is NOT Martyrdom – it’s an opportunity. When I first became a mother to my son Bear, I truly felt I had made a big mistake. I realized how all consuming motherhood is and that my life was “over.” It was a depressing time, to this day I still struggle with thoughts like “well now that I have kids I guess my hopes, dreams, and goals will have to wait.” Thoughts are just thoughts though, they are only true if I allow them to be. The shift I made back then and continue to push into is that motherhood is an opportunity for me to live a bigger/better life than the one I had before. Why? Because it has expanded my emotional world – I am more patient, I am kinder and wiser, I am more curious, and have re-ignited my sense of wonder. With these upgrades to my software, I have more capacity to experience joy and fulfillment and an antenna tuned towards a greater sense of love for myself and others. Because I have more capacity, not less – it’s my responsibility to pursue my dreams completely in front of my children. I never want to be that parent who says to my child “well, I quit my dreams because you came along and became the priority.” I am the priority. I must be. “If momma aint happy aint nobody happy.” For me this means I get to get up earlier, I get to plan my days more intentionally, I get to say no to things that don’t fit my goals. I get to do all these things so that I can be a priority and so can my family – one doesn’t cancel the other, they enhance one another. Sheesh now that’s having your cake and eating it too.
It has to be mentioned that 4 years ago when I was barely hanging on, I pictured my future self. What would she be doing? Writing, speaking, coaching, all as a means to help grow others and herself. Yesterday was my full circle moment – a culmination of tiny shifts that built me back better than I was before. I was my most important project then and continue to be now.
Thank you for reading,
